If you've been following my social media, you'll know that this year has already been busier for me than the last three years combined. I've been throwing myself headfirst into every available opportunity, be it public speaking, writing a book, or planning my re-entrance into the scene of education.
It's been quite something.
Understandably, it's raised a few eyebrows. I'll admit, my life this year hasn't been typical of a person who's battling anxiety, depression, and a potential mystery illness.
However, tell me this: what is typical of such a person? Does this image of your typical mentally ill person resemble the silhouetted figure sitting with their back against a wall and their head in their hands that so often makes an appearance in news pieces? Because I know a lot of people with mental illnesses, and it's rare that we look like that person.
Still, my behaviour is uncharacteristic, so why has it become my typical if I'm really struggling as much as I say?
It's simple really, but it did take some time in therapy to find the answer.
I'm running away. I'm hiding by putting myself in plain view. I know, that doesn't really make sense, does it? What if I say that it isn't people I'm hiding from, but everything I don't want to feel?
The truth is, this year has already had its fair share of ugly moments. They've all carried with them their own bundle of emotions that I'm not quite ready to feel yet. And so, I'm hiding from them. I'm hiding from them under mountains of notes for the book I've dreamed of writing since about three months into running this website. I'm hiding from them in crowds of people who know what I mean when I talk about my mental illnesses. I'm hiding from them in every opportunity I say "yes" to.
It's exactly the kind of behaviour I usually discourage. However, the nature of my work means that I can sort through my emotions without ever actually feeling them. I can talk about them and come to understand them, and come back to them with open arms when I feel strong enough to experience them.
That doesn't mean these feelings don't pop up and make themselves felt at inconvenient moments; they do. But for the most part, I'm keeping them in check, and keeping my head above water in the process. All the while, I'm achieving some of my biggest dreams. I don't think that's too bad, myself.