Today is World Suicide Prevention Day 2016. The slogan - "And so I kept living." It's a simple 5 word sentence taken from "Reasons to Stay Alive" by Matt Haig. If you haven't read it, and you need a push to keep living, please read it.
It's coming up to 3 years since I last gave up. I took a handful of pills, and I lay down. I suspect it was probably half an hour later when I realised I'd made a terrible mistake. I wanted to get up, I wanted to get help, and I couldn't. Still, by some stroke of luck I woke up a few hours later. And so I kept living.
I spent a few days feeling groggy. Everything was hazy for a while, and I don't think I ate during that recovery period. Still, I kept living.
Now, I keep waiting for some cruel joke to become apparent. I keep waiting for the Dr to say "actually, we've discovered some lasting damage". I keep waiting for a punchline that brings everything to a grinding halt, pulls the air from my lungs, and sets my head spinning. So far that hasn't happened. And so I keep living.
It isn't always easy. Even now, while I'm technically not depressed, and my anxiety is the most manageable it's ever been...it's not easy. I still have days where I wish I didn't wake up, yet I still keep living.
These days, anything other than keeping living is no longer an option. I have people messaging me, thanking me for writing, for letting them know that it isn't just them, and so I keep living. I can't write if I'm not here...and so I keep living.
I just...keep living. I hope you do too. I hope you keep living.