"Motivating yourself to keep going?"

This is something I've struggled to come up with an answer to for a long time. Still, I think I've figured out how I do it, so here goes nothing...

It's no secret that I've spent a good deal of my teenage years either wishing I was dead or trying to become dead. I know the latter part of that sentence doesn't really make sense, but I suspect you know what I'm getting at, and right now the s-word scares me a little, so I'm opting not to use it until I'm feeling a little less fragile. Anything to avoid short-circuiting my already dodgy laptop by crying over it, y'know?

It's also no secret that I'm a lot happier and healthier these days. That said, whilst I no longer actively pursue death, I do have days when I don't really want to wake up. Be it because I've spent the night in rather a bit of pain and haven't had enough sleep or because I've managed to convince myself that my closest friends secretly hate me, I definitely have days where I wake up feeling like it'd be better if I hadn't woken up. I think we all have those days though. Don't tell me otherwise, because honestly that belief is one of the things holding me together when I have a spell of days like that.

In order to make sure I don't make the journey downhill from wishing I hadn't woken up to persuing death, I like to make sure I always have something to look forward to. Examples: comedy gigs, concerts, meeting people who've supported me through some dark days, or getting a new tattoo. I can't tell you how many tattoos I've designed, and redesigned, and tweaked a bit, and so on, only to never have them etched into my skin. That's okay though, because they gave me something to look forward to at the time. I've planned entire trips to America, Spain, Australia...only to never make the bookings, much less actually get on a plane to these places. Again, it gave me something to focus on until I felt a little less trapped.

Then there are the gigs and concerts, which are my favourites. Funnily enough, I've yet to book a ticket to an event and not actually go to it. Events like that are definitely high points in my life, and something I'll throw every penny of my overdraft at if they mean enough to me.

The idea is that I can't "not wake up" if I'm in the process of working towards something, and if that something is a meet-up with some of the people who've helped me wade through the muddy bits of life, then how big a kick in the teeth would it be for them if one day before we met I just didn't wake up? So I keep waking up. Not always for myself, but for other people.

There's always someone out there who wants you to wake up. Keep waking up. Please?