Yes. The answer is yes. More often than I'd like to admit. It keeps me awake, it makes me cry, it makes me feel sick. I'm always looking for the next slimming craze - as long as it's not a diet fad.
What I'm about to share is something I've never spoken about, and even now it's a tough one for me to address, so please forgive me if the following paragraphs are disjointed and nonsensical.
When I was in high school I signed up to a "pro-ana" forum. Effectively it was a website that glorified eating disorders. Girls exchanged tips on how best to make themselves sick, there were entire threads of calorie counts. I'm not joking when I say that during that time I could have told you how many calories were in a single teaspoon of a specific brand of strawberry jam, or in a 10th of a certain sized pizza with specific toppings.
Thankfully my knowledge of such things has disappeared over time, but unfortunately the damage is done. So now when I run into trolls on the internet whose only response to me pointing out flaws in their arguments is to call me "fat" or "sloppy lard a*se" (both are names I've been called in the last month), whilst I smile and respond calmly and without stooping to their level...it hurts. I catch myself prodding at my hips and staring at my stretch marks and...I find myself once again considering starving myself.
Tonight, as I'm writing this, I'm regretting the Chinese takeaway I ate tonight, and the bar of Dairy Milk that followed. It really is a battle, but it's one that I'm so far winning in that I'm not resorting to starving myself even though the reflection in the mirror makes me feel queasy.
I'm so glad that this question wasn't calling for advice, because when it comes to insecurity surrounding weight...I have no advice. It's something I'm still figuring out, bit by bit. This is one battle that I'm fighting blind, despite having been fighting it for a long time. So as much as I'd like to, I can't advise anyone on this. I can only say good luck, and you're not walking this road alone. It's not something I talk about often, and perhaps I'm too quiet about it, but I get it, and I'm here, and I'm silently supporting you, egging you on, waiting for the day that you beat the horrible voices telling you you're inadequate.
You are beautiful. You are enough. I love you.