I'm sorry this post is so late. This has been one of the most intense and emotionally charged weeks I've had in a while. First of all, I've had the immense excitement after being alerted to a mental health project in Northern Ireland that I'd never heard of and arranging to meet and chat with them. That was followed by renewed fear surrounding my physical health. Then I woke up to find one of my childhood bullies had died...
So between the simultaneous excitement, fear, numbness, and confusion...I'm exhausted. I have no idea how I'm supposed to feel right now. Selfishly, I've become ridiculously aware of my own mortality at a time when I'm already scared about what the future might hold. Then there's the worry of "how am I expected to react?" when someone who tormented me relentlessly is dead?
Currently, I'm feeling huge amounts of pain for their friends and family, but I'm not grieving. Does that make me awful?
I've really not said a huge amount regarding the bullying I went through, and I'm not going to do so on this post. One day.
So the reason this post is so incredibly late is I've not known what to say. I still don't. This is disjointed, I'm scared to publish it, and I'm bracing myself for backlash. The reason I'm publishing it anyway is because I've had reassurance from a single person that I'm not the only one to have ever felt this way.
The first thing I felt when I woke up to the news of the death of one of my bullies...was nothing. I felt absolutely nothing. That was followed by relief...immediately followed by crushing guilt. I hate that I felt relief even for a moment. I truly do hate myself for that.
I've spent the rest of the day burying my head in the sand over it. Then I had to phone to make an appointment at the hospital for an examination, and I broke down. I'm scared. I'm still young enough that it's unsettling, even terrifying, to hear of someone my age dying, and at this moment in time, when I'm already scared...it's added to that fear.
So I'm sorry for the late post. I'm sorry for all the late posts to come, and I'm sorry for the disjointed fashion of my posts recently. I'm sorry for feeling momentary relief when there's a family out there going through hell. I'm sorry for utilising the blog as an emotional dump tonight. I'm sorry for not doing more.
I love you.
I hope you're okay.