"Arguing...good or bad?" - Lynn Bodkin

I said to Megan I’d write a few blogs for her, but when it came to it, my mind deserted me!
 
Anyway, I’ve been inspired to write this one after a cross word between my husband and I. 
I hate confrontation. With a passion.  Especially when I’m not prepared for it.  The majority of the time I will invert into myself and end the confrontation, always assuming that I haven’t avoided it in the first instance. I can stand up for a cause I believe in and I can stand up for someone who is being bullied. I can’t stand up for me. Well I can, I just have to be pushed far enough and then it’s just not pretty. I lose control and am like a banshee that’s just been stung by a swarm of hornets. 

My second husband told me I wasn’t normal because I wouldn’t argue with him. The marriage counsellor actually agreed with him too. Needless to say, they are both in the past!
I don’t know why I can’t handle it. Even a cross look, or what I interpret to be a cross look can send me turning inward. With my husband, I can snap a retort back but then apologise an hour later, even if it wasn’t my fault. Sorry is an easy word for me to say. To anyone. To everyone. The thing is, I take it really personally. I can actually feel myself retreating into myself and another piece of trust has died. It’s a real physical feeling too. Yes, I have major trust issues ie: I don’t totally trust a living soul, not one single person, but because I don’t trust anyone, I feel strong. I’m wholly in charge of my own happiness. Right? In truth, I know I’m not addressing my issues but at the same time, I feel my mental self is protecting me for when I can cope with WHY I don’t trust and why I WON’T trust. Doing a Mindfulness course recently with the psychiatrists at Lagan Valley Hospital was quite insightful too. There were quite a number of times that my mind refused to imagine what they were asking me to imagine. Like confrontations. I just can’t do it and I don’t LIKE doing it. Besides, not all arguments are productive. Some of them just aren’t worth the effort. I know I have to address this at some point and when I’m strong enough mentally I’m sure my mind will be receptive to it but until then, my protective inner self will remain in self-preservation mode.