"Music and mental illness?"

Two weeks ago a singer that I've listened to since I was around 12 years old was killed whilst signing autographs following a concert. Even now, I'm in a state of complete disbelief. Why would anyone want to kill a 22 year old singer who was only beginning to make a name for herself in a big way?

Anyway, that's not the point of this post.

The point is, there have been a lot of deaths this year. With each announcement, music becomes a little more precious. In the depths of depression, I listened to Christina Grimmie. At the time, she reminded me of life before mental illness. Now she's gone.

The day after finding out about that particular shooting, I woke up to hear news of another shooting. As the day wore on the death toll rose. That day I was meant to be going into Belfast to see Passenger busking in Victoria Square. I started to get anxious. When did the experience of live music and / or dancing become a political statement?

Here's the thing. Music has played a massive part in me getting through everything that's been thrown at me as a result of mental illness. Getting to see live performances of songs that I know and love is a gift. Especially seeing Passenger, because "Let Her Go" was enormously popular when I was in hospital. Seeing a live performance of that particular song was incredible, because I'm in such a different place to where I was when it was released.

So maybe I've gone slightly off topic here, but I'm angry and upset that now I not only have to deal with social anxiety when I go to gigs...I'm having to consider "what if something happens?". Any time I go to a concert these days, I'm right up by the stage. That appears to be a vulnerable position to be in right now. The way things are going...it's scaring me.