Some of the biggest lessons I've learned throughout this year have been related to who I am, what I need to do in order to stay safe from my mind, and the things I want to go on to do in the future.
Don't get me wrong, I still lie awake at night, plagued by the question "who am I?". I look in the mirror and I don't always recognise the woman looking back at me, but unfortunately it's not always because I've grown into a better person. Sometimes I don't recognise myself because I've put on a mask without realising it.
I was talking to a friend recently about one of the things that was bothering me and said, "y'know, just last night I lay in bed, crying, and I realised that this isn't me".
I'm not entirely sure who I am, but I'm getting closer to finding out through a process of elimination!
As for staying safe from my mind, I realised towards the end of this year that I was passively suicidal. A scary realisation for anyone. A bit of research confirmed what I already knew; the slightest trigger can flip the switch and push someone to becoming actively suicidal.
I sat and thought about this, wondering what I could do to keep myself safe.
I posted in a group of friends and asked them a question. "Is it okay if I come here and tell you all if I flip and become actively suicidal?". The reasoning behind this was that a lot of these people knew me quite well, and know my reasons for sticking around, so they were the perfect people to remind me that I can't leave this world yet.
Thankfully nothing has changed and I've not flipped to actively suicidal so far.
As for what I want to do in the future...well, a lot of that was covered in yesterday evening's blog post. There is more, but what can I say? I like to keep my cards close to my chest!