First of all, let me start by saying I made it through another December 12th! I wouldn't have made it through this year without the support of a few special people. I won't embarrass them by naming them here, but they know who they are.
On Sunday night particularly I had a lot of support from people in various forms, from keeping me company via video chat, to telling me their phones were on if I needed help during the night, to checking on me periodically via text. One person said something that meant I got through the night without doing myself any harm - "don't do anything silly, self-harm or anything beyond that, it'll only serve to hurt people".
Nobody else had said anything about that, and here was someone bringing it up without making a big deal about it. There were no questions, just an undeniably true statement.
The truth is, in the last few months, I've had the internal narrative of an addict. I'll be lying in bed thinking "if I did hurt myself, and I didn't tell anyone and hid it from everyone, would it count? As far as anyone would know, I'd still be on track for three years of recovery...". Invariably, I catch myself on and remind myself that even if nobody else noticed, I'd be letting myself down, not just by giving up the fight, but by lying to everyone around me.
So despite the fact that I still had that narrative on loop in my head on Sunday night, I got through it. I'm still on track for three years of recovery.
I've said for years that self-harm is an addiction, and scientifically speaking, it is. It's a rush of endorphins, and when you've not felt anything for weeks, or all you seem capable of feeling is darkness, of course, if becomes easy to become hooked on the rush. You start to chase the high, and like any addiction, you end up losing friends the further you fall.
I've grown tired of losing friends, so as hard as it's become lately, I'm continuing to fight. It's a long battle, and yeah, there are days when I miss being in a position where I can momentarily pick my mood up. But I just keep reminding myself of the lows that followed the high. The come-down was always worse than what preceded the high.