With so many things in one day, I've been finding it tough to find the positives. I've been trying too hard to see what's right under my nose again.
Three years ago, I felt so alone that I didn't want to fight anymore. Last year, whilst I considered ending things when I got home, I didn't, and that was because I was surrounded by so much love and support.
The same is true this year. My mood's dropped off a cliff in the run up to today. Things have crossed my mind, but just as they do, friends seem to pick up on the fact that I need a bit of extra support. I don't think there's been a day in the last two weeks that I haven't woken up to a message from someone checking to see how I am.
One message I received in the early hours a few days ago actually woke me and pulled me out of a night terror. I've never been so grateful to be woken up at 6.30 in the morning before.
So sure, it's not a great day and it brings all sorts of trust issues and anxiety to the surface, but at the end of the day, if nothing else, I've never felt less alone. I'm scared of the future and I'm scared to trust the people who are making sure I don't feel alone, but I'm trusting them and moving forward anyway. Because the alternative isn't pretty.
A lot's changed in three years. I am not giving up.