When I first wrote about my fears back in May, they all seemed to come back to money. I've decided to do a second take on the topic because 6 months on, things have shifted slightly. Money is still a worry, but it's not the biggest worry, everything doesn't come back to it, and honestly, compared to the fear that's entered my mind recently, money is just a drop in the ocean.
Recently I've been spiralling a little. Well, that's not strictly true. Saying that I've fallen off a bit of a cliff would be more accurate. But however you want to say it, my mental health has entered a rapid decline once again, and I've been referred back to therapy with the word "medication" hanging in the air.
Talking about all of this to friends the other night, I found myself getting more and more anxious. It took me a while before I realised that I'm scared of this being my life.
The thought of being in a constant cycle of recovery and relapse genuinely terrifies me. I don't want to only get a few months of "normal" each year. But then we're back to the question of whether or not I wish I didn't have anxiety and / or depression. I try to avoid that way of thinking because I do owe so much of what my life is now to my mental illness.
I guess I still hold onto the hope that this isn't a lifetime thing. That I'm not going to be fighting off urges to practice self-destruction every few months.
I also wonder if I'm doing the right thing in posting this. I'm meant to be offering hope to people with mental illness, right? But if I hid the ugly parts, aren't I just offering false hope and making people in the same situation feel alone? I think that's why I'm not hiding this fear away from sight - I know I'm not the only one feeling this way, and I want others to know that too.