"I swear, the anxiety's getting worse every f*cking day right now. And I'm tired."
Those were the words that I used, to sum up why I was nearly in tears on Facebook Live at 11pm last night. I know I scared a few people with that stream, which wasn't my intention. I just needed to vent, and Facebook Live is my go-to when I need to sort my thoughts out so that I can form a coherent blog post.
Earlier in the day, I'd been to the Dr to ask for a referral back to CBT. We'd discussed the fact that the thoughts of self-harm had made a reappearance, but that I hadn't acted on them at this stage, and hoped not to in the future. We discussed the darker thoughts. We agreed that going back to therapy would be a good move and that maybe if things get worse we could consider medication.
All in all, it was a really positive appointment, so I can't say why I crashed last night, but I did. And yeah, it hurt. When I finished the live stream I finally let myself cry for a bit. There was one thing that was never in doubt, though, and that was the fact that I can get through this. I slipped up at one point by saying "I'm okay" (old habits die hard) and was called out for it immediately. I'm not okay. Not right now. Not by any stretch of the imagination. But I will be.
So when I say I'm not okay, it generally means I've tried to carry too much at once or tried to work something out that's impossible to work out, and it's finally brought me crashing down. It rarely means that I'm in danger. It occasionally means that recovery is becoming more of a task than it should be at this point. Mostly, though, it just means that I need a little extra support.