Occasionally the questions I address on this blog scare me. They require me to delve into my darkest mindset, and sometimes I don't even come to a conclusion at the end. Whether or not I'll have a conclusion today, I don't know. I just know that this is one of the questions that scares me.
The short answer is yes. If I had never doubted that things could get better, that my chest would stop feeling as though someone was sitting on it, then I would never have taken an overdose. Yet here we are, nearly three years on from my last overdose, and I still lie awake some nights wondering if I'll ever move past the things that make my heart race and my breathing become ragged.
So I guess, if I'm being honest, it's a question that still crosses my mind. I just don't like to admit it.
When this question is circling, I always try to look at everything that's happened recently. Things have changed. So much has happened. Just the other day I realised it's been over a year since I worked with Fixers to create my anxiety awareness video...and now look! Life's done a bit of a number on me. It's handed me some of the worst things possible and said, "create something good out of this". And I've tried. I think in some respects I've even succeeded. So I'm going to keep trying.
Sometimes covering the bad stuff isn't the answer. Sometimes when you cover it, it'll just keep coming back. At some stage, you have to rethink your options, and then use the bad stuff as a template for something great. It's a lesson I only really learned after watching the TWLOHA film, but it's one that's stuck. I'm through with trying to paint over the graffiti. It's time to use it as a base-coat for a work of art.